Please Leave A Review
by Smash-the-Elder
Summary: R&R please. Read and review. I suck at summaries, just read it. Full summary inside! Review or else. If you review, I'll give you a biscuit! Come on, why not? Read this, love it and review it! Fine. Don't. See if I care. ...Please?
1. Please Leave A Review

**Please Leave A Review**

"Come on, you have to leave a review! The author worked hard on this story!" cried Link.

"No he didn't. She's just being a damn fool again." said Zelda.

"Shut up! They don't need to know that!" Link said to Zelda. He then turned back to you and said, "Really, you have to leave a review. If you do, you can win all sorts of extravagant prizes. For example, I have here a near-perfect replica of the Master Sword. Well, apart from being able to banish evil of course. And the whole 'sword' thing. Oh, and it's not at all shiny. In fact, it actually looks more like a replica of-"

"I have to wonder Link. Assuming that this absolutely delightful reader does review, how will we get the prize to him or her?"

"We won't. We're just making wild promises to hopefully persuade them. Anyway, if you review, I will be happy to sign my hat and give it to the first reviewer. The second can have my belt and the third can have my shield."

"I suppose I might as well say something... If you don't review, I will hunt you down, tie you to a Powder Keg, put heaps more around you, then set them alight and run for my life. I'm not kidding."

"Anybody here like Malon in any sort of context? Because the first reviewer to be interested will get her, absolutely free! In fact, she's already boxed up, ready to go!" A man then pushed a box to Link, who opened the lid to reveal everyone's favourite ranch girl.

"Hey! What's going on here? I was asleep in bed just a few minutes ago! How did I get here?" Malon cried.

"As you can see, she is suffering from temporary amnesia and cannot remember that she volunteered to be given away to a complete stranger with unknown intentions."

"Given away? What? I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm going home!" When Malon tried to climb out of the box, Link forced her back in and resealed it. He then proceeded to ignore the muffled screams that Malon began to make.

"You would have to be a complete idiot to pass up this sort of deal. Malon will cook, clean, sing, look after any animals you may own, tend the garden, basically whatever you want her to. You will need to, ahem, persuade her a bit to begin with, but it's nothing a shock collar and the occasional beating wouldn't fix."

"That is mildly disturbing Link. I really don't think that Malon deserves that."

"What have I told you Zelda? We have no way or intention of giving the reviewers these items!"

"Oh. Right. Well in that case, the first reviewer will have permission to marry me or take my place as princess of Hyrule! Whichever is appropriate."

"See? Isn't this fun? Now, whoever gives the best review by 2011 will meet with Mr. Miyamoto and the lucky winner will choose a character for me to be officially paired with, even if it's you! You heard me right, the next game could very well see me marrying Zelda! Or Malon if you so choose. Or even Tingle, if that's the sort of sick thing you like. Ugh... All of a sudden, I'm glad that we can't follow through with these promises."

"So, basically, the point is, it's in your best interests to review this story. You will get a prize that you will never actually receive, you won't die from something that could never happen and best of all, you will have a deep feeling of satisfaction, because you did the right thing and turned your mother over to the authorities."

"So what are you waiting for? Stop reading and press that button down there! Say you liked it! Say you hated it! Say nothing of any sort of relevance for all we care! Just review!"

"Now!"

"Right now!"

"Before it's too late!"

"Now!"


	2. Please Leave Another Review

**Please Leave Another Review**

"Well, it looks like this story has finally received seventeen reviews! Great! Well, it's not really that satisfying a number, but it's passable! And it's a prime number too!" said Link, who was sitting on a crate.

"Prime numbers are always great! I personally would have preferred twenty, because that's a nice, round number, but this is still good! Anyway, I think it's time to announce who won the prizes now, don't you Link?" said Zelda.

"Indeed. Anyway, we probably should have mentioned this, but prizes will only be given to people that left a signed review. Anonymous reviews are just too intangible for this. Anyway, I hate to break it to all of the people that were asking for it, but Midna Hytwilian has won my hat. That person was the first signed reviewer after all."

"The belt went to Bery777 and the shield to lTofSMITIA."

"Oh! That reminds me! Malon is still waiting for someone to take her." At this, Link nearly fell off the crate, due to it beginning to move around particularly violently. "Sorry lT, but you said that you were just kidding, which means that we are not permitted to give her to you. Shame really. I think you would have liked each other..." Screams began emanating from the crate.

"Anyway, I hate to break it to that anonymous reviewer, but you had no chance of becoming the princess. As a matter of fact, Midna Hytwilian receives that honor."

"Isn't he or she lucky? Getting a Master Sword replica, my hat **and** the chance to marry you or be the princess?"

"Yeah. Oh, and if it turns out that you're a boy, that's fine. I could always change my sexual preferences for you!"

"...Okay. That was just a bit weird."

"What? You think I'm weird? What about GrayFoxx28? His or her review had no sort of relevance whatsoever!"

"Oh. Yes. That person. Well, let's be fair. We **did** say that they could say something that was completely irrelevant. But, as it turns out, that's actually just annoying. So, if you leave a review, make sure it has something to do with the story. Nonsense will not be tolerated here."

"Wow. That is one of the most ironic things to ever be said."

"Yeah. Anyway, now we need to think up new prizes. Master Sword replicas are no longer available and we need more than just Malon."

"Oh yes! Great! I've been thinking up heaps more things to give away!"

"That's fantastic Zelda! What are they?"

"Well, the first person to leave a signed review for this chapter gets to make a cameo in one of Smash-the-Elder's stories!"

"Wait, are you sure he agrees with that?"

"Link, I'm saying it, so obviously she agrees!"

"Oh. Yeah. I forgot."

"Anyway, not only that, but the next six reviewers will get a Link of their very own!"

"Uh... What? I beg your pardon? How is that even possible?"

"The first six people to leave a review will get their choice from Dark Link, Shadow Link, Red Link, Blue Link, Purple Link and Green Link!"

"Zelda! You can't give me away! Besides, I haven't pulled out the Four Sword, Shadow Link is created from the Dark Mirror, which we don't have by the way, and we don't know where Dark Link is or if it's even possible to capture him!"

"That's where you're wrong! Dark Link was subdued and boxed up just yesterday! And I actually still have the Dark Mirror!"

"Wait, does that make us the Link and Zelda from Four Swords Adventures?"

"Who cares? Anyway, I had the Four Sword's pedestal dug up and brought right here! All you have to do is pull it out!"

"Hey, no! I'm not going to pull that out and release Ganon just so you can give me away!"

"Really? Well, in that case, let's see what Malon has to say about that. I'm sure she's quite eager to get her hands on you Link..."

"Huh? No! No, please don't! She'll kill me!" Zelda did not listen to Link. She grabbed him by the neck and dragged him to the crate. She opened it, revealing Malon.

"Finally!" Malon cried. Zelda then pushed Link in and resealed the crate. A few seconds later, loud screams could be heard, along with the sound that accompanies extreme physical violence.

"Okay! I'll do it! I'll do it! Just let me out!" Link cried. After a minute or two, Zelda opened the crate and pulled him out. She quickly shut it before Malon could escape. Link took a moment to sigh with relief, then walked to the Four Sword.

"Do I really have too?"

"Do it, or I'll put you back." Link sighed, then pulled out the Four Sword. He immediately split into four. At the same time, a ball of darkness left the sword and flew off. Then, several soldiers arrived and tackled the Links to the ground. Despite much struggling from all four of them, the Links were soon forced into their own crate, except for Green.

"Put him in with Malon again." said Zelda.

"What? You said-!"

"I lied." Green began to shout as he was forced back into the crate. Ignoring the screams that followed, Zelda smiled and said,

"Maybe if we get enough reviews, I'll let him out. Now, let's recap. If you don't review, you will be hunted down and brutally murdered. But if you do, you can get a Link of your choice or Malon. If your review is the best one by 2011, you get to make a pairing canon. And if you review first, you get to make a cameo in one of Smash-the-Elder's stories! How can you not want to review now?" Zelda paused and listened to Green's screaming. "I don't think he can last much longer... You'd better hurry up and review!"


	3. R & R Plz?

**R & R Plz?**

"Hum! What a disappointment. Three months since the last chapter was published and only fifteen reviews? You readers sicken me. The first chapter got seventeen in one month! Well, maybe this time we'll offer better prizes. But before I announce what you could win next, I will announce who won what." said Zelda. "Now, first things first, I am going to release Green. I need someone to talk to and I promised to let him go anyway." With that, Zelda walked to the crate that contained Green and Malon and opened it. She reached in and pulled Green out. However, she then had to struggle to close it again, because Malon was now thrashing about like a wild animal.

"Let me out! I'm going to kill him! Let me out!" Malon snarled. After a long struggle, Zelda closed the crate again. She then turned her attention to Green and looked at the damage inflicted on him by Malon. He was now sporting two black eyes, a bleeding and misshapen nose, several missing teeth, severe bite marks on his ears and a shredded tunic. Blood was smeared all over his face.

"Th-thanks Zelda..." he muttered.

"So, am I forgiven?" Zelda replied.

"Did we get reviews?"

"A disappointing amount, but yes, we did get some." Green sighed.

"In that case, yes."

"Great! Now, some of the winners did not say which Link they wanted in their reviews, but that matter was sorted out through the magic of private messaging. So, Foxpilot, the reviewer who was content to have the leftovers. You should receive a large package containing Purple Link soon enough. At least, I hope you do. This being the internet and all, I had no idea as to what your address is. So, I just put your name on the box and posted it. It's possible that Purple Link ended up at a friend's house, so be sure to check every so often!"

"Yes... Indeed..."

"Oh, come on Green! Cheer up!"

"I'm trying... But, please try to remember Zelda, I nearly died back in that box."

"Fine, fine... Now, Reader123456789, you have indeed won yourself a shiny, new Shadow Link. However, like with Foxpilot and Purple Link, we mustn't expect the postal service to be wholly reliable. Now, JimHarbis..."

"I know, I know Zelda. Look, while I was with Malon, I started to think about life and this whole business of giving me away. I've accepted my fate and am willing to go where you want me to."

"Well, actually Green, I want you to stay here with me. It would be boring without you."

"Really?"

"Yeah. So, instead of my beloved Green here, JimHarbis will receive CD-i Link!"

"Wait, what?"

"After the last chapter, I visited the world of Link: The Faces of Evil and I... convinced him to come along with me."

"What did you do?"

"Hmm... Let me answer that with another question. What does it mean when someone kills an alternate version of themselves?"

"I see. Well, as long as I get to stay with you."

"Indeed. Now, lTofSMITIA, we are kind of mildly sorry about your loss, but it's your fault. Still, at least you get the bland, raging monster known as Dark Link, right? However, I truly am sorry to HamtaroxBijouLover. You did earn Malon, but we have decided to keep her with us."

"Wha-what?" Link shouted in alarm.

"You see, I realised that we would be able to increase our prize giving capabilities if I used the Dark Mirror to give out an unlimited number of Shadow Malons, Links or Zeldas." Green moaned in despair. "You will still get Blue Link, but you will get a Shadow Malon instead of the original. But I think it works out better for you that way anyway. Shadow Malon is much more pleasant and compliant than Malon. In fact, she prepared her own box and shut herself and Blue in there. Feel free to make your erotic fantasies come true if they arrive."

"You do know that we're only twelve, don't you Zelda?" Link asked. Zelda paused.

"Shut up Link." She finally replied. "Far be it from us to complain, so long as we get reviews."

"This is **my** clone we're talking about here!"

"Well, he's no longer part of you. Anyway, to finish off this bit, let's just bring on zeldamaster456 and give him Red." Zelda then clapped her hands twice and a pair of soldiers came to her, carrying a young human. "Put him down now." she said. zeldamaster456 was then dropped to the ground.

"Ow! Do you have to be so rough?" he complained.

"Now, bring Red to him!" The guards then returned with Red and dropped him onto zeldamaster456. Red whimpered and clung to him.

"I-I don't like this! Wh-why is this happening?" zeldamaster456 hesitated, then put a hand on Red and said,

"Don't worry Red. You're safe with me." Red looked at him, then let out a small sob and hugged him tightly. "Umm... Red? Could you please let me go?" Red ignored him.

"Right. Well, just stay out of trouble you two. You're only here because of Smash-the-Elder's generosity." Zelda said.

"Oh! Hey, umm... Is Malon still boxed up?" zeldamaster456 asked. He then winced as Red began to squeeze him harder. "Red!"

"For the safety of all concerned, yes. And it's staying like that. Now, could we please bring the focus back to me and Green? Thank you. Now, for this next prize, even anonymous reviewers can win! You see, Smash-the-Elder has decided that people can suggest ideas for a story they'd like him to write and she will randomly pick three of them to do and will dedicate it to you! These can be any sort of story: songfics; lemons; ZeLink romances; sixty chapter epics; Mary Sue self-inserts; mindless crack fics; crossovers; something for a fandom he isn't familiar with; anything! Just bear in mind, some may take longer than others to surface, for obvious reasons."

"What reasons?" asked Green.

"Ha ha, Green. Shut up." At that moment, a scream resounded through the air and a man came flying down and landed on Green, who shrieked in the fashion of someone whose leg has just been broken. "Are you okay there Green?" Zelda asked mildly. Green did not respond intelligibly. The man, however, groaned and asked,

"Where am I? Wait, Z-Zelda?"

"The one and only. Who are you and what are you doing here?" The man stared at her, then had a realisation.

"Oh! You haven't seen me like this before! Well, it's me, Vaati. I was resurrected not long ago and I intended to find Ganon and get even for being forced to play second fiddle to him. However, he found me first, stole my powers and flung me away and... Well, here I am." Zelda pondered this.

"Hmm... Excellent! Okay, we're also giving away Vaati!" Vaati took a moment to register this.

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Review begging. You wouldn't understand."

"Hang on! Hyrule is being threatened by Ganon and you're worried about reviews?"

"It's our purpose. Now, take him away!" Two soldiers came and picked him up.

"No! No, you have to do something about Ganon! Let me go!" As he was flailing while being carried away, his hat fell off and landed next to zeldamaster456, who pocketed it with a grin.

"First fangirl to review and ask for him wins! And speaking of Vaati, you know those large dolls that some lonely single people use to have... company, so to speak?" Green tried to respond, but only managed a pained whimper. "Well, we have five of them in his image, if anyone's interested. If you are, be sure to say so in your review!" It was at this point that Zelda realised that Green was severely injured. She knelt beside him and asked, "Green, do you need a rest?" On the verge of bursting into tears, Green nodded quickly. Zelda then said, "Well, I'm just going to take Green to a doctor so that he can be healthy for next time. Remember, this time you could win: a Shadow Zelda, Link or Malon; Vaati or a substitute; and the opportunity to suggest a story for Smash-the-Elder to write, even if you're an anonymous reviewer." Zelda then lifted Green into her arms and began to leave. However, just as she had taken a fifth step, a scream of rage and two screams of fear came from behind her. She turned and saw that zeldamaster456 had let Malon out of her box, resulting in her getting out and proceeding to pummel him with all her might. Red was standing to the side shrieking,

"Leave him alone, you bully! He didn't do anything!" After a few seconds, however, Malon caught on to the fact that she was not hurting Link. She quickly backed away from zeldamaster456, blushed and said,

"Oh, I-I'm sorry. I thought you were-" Then, she saw Green in Zelda's arms and forgot her apologetic feelings. She growled, charged at them and knocked them to the ground. At this point, zeldamaster456 was lying on the ground, dazed; Red was kneeling next to him, holding his hand and desperately whispering hopes for his recovery; and Zelda was sitting on the ground, mildly stunned by the impact of Malon crashing into her. Malon now began to beat Green mercilessly, as she had with zeldamaster456. Green, for his part, began to scream in agony. After taking a moment to size up the situation, Zelda called two soldiers to subdue Malon. After a long struggle, the soldiers eventually cast Malon in chains and locked her in a cage. Zelda picked up Green, who was now quietly sobbing; quietly because if he cried hard, he would cause himself pain. Similarly, Red picked up zeldamaster456 and carried him away, muttering that it was his turn to look after him. Zelda walked to Malon and gazed at her, receiving an angry glare in return.

"Let that be a lesson to you, you savage." Zelda said, before quietly leaving.


	4. More Reviews Plox!

**More Reviews Plox!**

"You know what I find immensely disturbing, Link?" asked Zelda.

"Malon?" suggested Link.

"No, the fact that there has been hardly any reviews!"

"Uhh... Well, I find that disturbing too, Zelda, but don't you think that the fact that Malon would have brutally murdered me by now if she hadn't been restrained is more horrifying?"

"No. She's out to get you, not me. It's a bit funny when you think about it really; I'm the one responsible for her capture, not you."

"What? You weren't really into this whole business when Malon was kidnapped from her home!"

"Yes I was. I've been running this whole operation since the beginning."

"That doesn't make any sense though!"

"Link, it's called a retcon. You ever heard of it? Basically, something happened and we've decided that we wanted it to have happened differently. So, instead of going back and rewriting the story to accommodate those changes, we're just saying that it was like the way we wanted. Okay? Now, don't question me."

"Fine... Well, can we say that I was never traumatised then?"

"No. Anyway, I'm disgusted that there's only been **eight** reviews since the last chapter was published. Eight! So, a decision has been made; the next chapter will not be published until this story has at least four hundred reviews!"

"Four hundred? ! Isn't that a bit excessive?"

"Don't be absurd, Link. Four hundred is a perfect number. So, that's pretty much all I wanted to say, except that another prize is to be distributed; we recently discovered the existence of an alternate dimension, Termina, and I have decided that any reviewers interested can divide the land and people evenly between themselves. So, if you won't review to get the next chapter quicker, review for a fictional country instead! And remember, the prizes from last chapter are still up for grabs, so the current prize list is: suggesting a story for Smash-the-Elder to write; a Shadow Link, Zelda or Malon (and you know what, if Shadow Vaati isn't too dangerous, we might give them away as well); Vaati himself or a substitute; part of Termina and its people; and of course the next chapter. And don't forget, I still have a large store of Powder Kegs and I'm not afraid to use them!" Zelda grabbed Link's hand and began to walk away. She looked back and said, "You may think that this chapter is somewhat lacking. You might think I'm being unreasonable. Well, just remember: you've brought it on yourselves." With that, Zelda finally left.


	5. One Last Review?

**One Last Review?**

Zelda walked into vision, with Link trailing behind her. Zelda's face was wet and her eyes red; the result of bitter weeping.

"Don't be **too** harsh on them, Zelda..." Link whispered softly into her ear.

"Why not?" Zelda snarled in reply. "Do you know how long I've waited for four hundred reviews? We grew into adults, that's how long. And now I've returned and there's been approximately hardly any reviews! I was so angry, I cancelled **all** of the giveaways, even the ones already sent out! No-one gets anything! No Links, no hat, no land, no story, nothing!

"In fact, the only reason I came back early is because this story was fading into obscurity! No-one was even looking at it!"

"Yes, but now people will." Link whispered as he wrapped one of Zelda's locks around his finger and yanked it out. "And there will be much feedback." Zelda became thoughtful.

"True. Now that people are watching, I can punish the audience as much as I want. They'll have to review if they want proper content!"

"Kill them." Link said cheerfully. "Kill them all."

"Yeah... They can't forget to review if they're dead, can they?" Zelda thought about killing methods for a while before an epiphany struck her, "Wait a minute! How would they review then?"

"Only kill some of them. And kill anyone who doesn't review henceforth."

"Yes, but..." Zelda's head nearly began to internally haemorrhage from the strain of thinking as hard as she was. "Oh, god damn it! It's been too long! I can't think of any good ideas!"

"Take heart, sweet princess." Link said obscurely. "It's not you that's out of ideas, it's the writer."

"I have transcended the influence of Monsieur Smash." Zelda declared. "To prove it, I murdered her in his sleep!"

"Of course you did." said Link sinisterly. Suddenly, the two found themselves encased in a gaudy gemstone. A debatably handsome man stepped into sight and chuckled girlishly.

"Who are you?" asked Zelda.

"Who am **I**? I am the King of **Evil**! I stand **triumphant**, human once again! No longer Ganon, but Ganon**dorf**!" declared Ganondorf hammily.

"Oh." Zelda turned to Link and said sheepishly, "We probably should have dealt with him when we set him free instead of forgetting him."

"You think?" Link replied suggestively.

"Now, you two are my prisoners and I shall display you as trophies above my fireplace!" Ganondorf announced. He teleported Link and Zelda away and was about to do the same for himself, when he paused. He turned back and said, "My rule extends through all of time and space. Reviewers can have anyone and anything they want. Just some food for thought." With that, Ganondorf disappeared.

**The End**


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